Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
