Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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