Why does Corona taste like a burp?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
