Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
