I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
