Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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