im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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