yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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