Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
