I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
