just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
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