How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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