She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
