They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
