i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
