It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
