Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
