im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
