new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
