Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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