the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
