my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
