This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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