The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
