my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
