There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
