I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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