a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
