Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
