Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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