I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
only you would photoshop your dick
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
