So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
