I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
