i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
