someone threw a dead crab at me
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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