Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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