I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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