a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
this beer tastes like vomit already
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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