You just made me feel so damn special
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
