even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
