The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Life is so much better after having sex.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
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