I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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