Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
