someone get that fucking seahorse.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
