you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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