Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
