Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize