There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
