Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
third nipple confirmed
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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