I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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