my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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