Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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