dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
