It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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