It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I think your dad took our porno
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
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