Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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