I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Randomize