I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
