sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
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