I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
