FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
